Expectations- these are the thoughts and assumptions that get us in trouble, they hurt. I am deeply hurt today. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon feeling for me. Walking through life for me often feels like punishment. I think to myself, does everyone feel like this? There must be something wrong with me. Maybe there is or maybe I'm steadily walking underneath the weight of expectations. Expectations to keep the bar so high at work, expectations of friendships, expectations of family, expectations from the world that tells me what beautiful, successful, motherhood, and marriage are supposed to look like. What happens when behind the camera lenses covered in a filter, life looks different? Behind the fake smiles and angles to show only what we want to show? I will tell you, disappointment, shame, guilt, anger, sadness. Do we all live this way? I ask the question again. I know in my mind that we are not supposed to walk with this shame and guilt, but what about when it circles in my mind and wakes me up in the middle of the night? What about when I am walking around putting that fake smile on my face, but it is all I can do not to just start crying because I have that frog in my throat? Maybe tomorrow it will be better, but I know these feelings will come back again. I've been through this before. The only thing I know to do is pray. I just pray, because one day I don't know if my fake smile will be good enough anymore. The weight is getting heavier. I pray I have the strength enough to let God work.
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