The worry, the stress, the black hole of unknown leads to the hopelessness. Is it just me? The weird thing about the human brain is we have a tendency to believe we are alone in the struggles of life. The comparison game we play between ourselves and others is literally debilitating. It looks like things are quite lovely in other people's lives while our own lives are hanging by a thread. As often as I tell myself these lines, my brain still doesn't believe it. On the flip side, when I share my story with others, they are totally shocked- because what they perceive about me and my life doesn't match what I am saying. A day in the life of Amanda Holmes is very different than what it seems. Maybe there is some insight to my daily struggles because of the things I have written, but overall, people think I have it all. And while I don't want to make it sound like I am not very blessed, it isn't roses and unicorns. I try to be all things to all people- meaning run myself into the ground in order to help, please, and do for others. I pay attention to the details of others- I can literally feel the pain and feelings of other people but when that is coupled with my own pain and feelings, hopelessness sets in. I begin to blame myself- asking what I have done wrong, over analyzing myself to find imperfections that must have lead to the circumstances I am in. I guess I do keep making the same choices over and over despite my efforts to break the cycle. The amount of time I spend thinking about how to be better, how to make more money, how to fix this or that problem is stealing my life. I can't live for the now because the now is painful, so I try to make it through the day to make it to tomorrow- because maybe tomorrow will be better. I have to hope that the future will be better. I get up everyday and keep working to promote PrayerBox4U because I hope that one day I will see the fruits of my labor. Maybe one day I will be the person sharing the other side of my story- the part where it finally came together. All the debt, hours, the unknown paid off. PS I hate money. It has completely stolen my life. It's like a bottomless pit of hopelessness. No matter how much there is, it will never be enough.
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