Fear. Afraid. I lie awake a night sometimes dozing off only to be startled awake. There are times my dreams are nightmares- I'm screaming out loud in my sleep with my arms flying through the air fighting. My husband wakes me- my heart pounding and clothes soaked in sweat. What's happening to me? Why am I so afraid? My head pounds and aches behind my eyes throughout the days. Sleep is something I yearn for. When I can sleep it is the only thing that makes the pain subside. But then the nightmares return. I have done a lot of reading about trauma and the way in which the brain wires itself to cope with the experiences we have. I learned from a young age to stay quiet, take care of others, and follow the rules. I learned as a young child my feelings were not relevant- my entire being was to help the people around me feel better- to be better. Check the boxes Amanda. When you check the boxes of life, joy will arrive. The problem is what I am left with is a mindset that on the surface looks so amazing (fierce, driven, confident, a leader)
but underneath it all is fear and unworthiness. I go above and beyond and do more than asked. In my mind I know this is a trap because as I have written before, excellence becomes the expectation. In my heart I am searching for someone to just see me. Does anyone see me? I'll work harder, smarter, and more than any other person. Maybe that is the problem. In my mind I still tell myself that if I give it all then someone will see me. What a fool I am. I know I have made a difference in people's lives. I know this because some of the people I trained and coached call me to let me know they are at the next level reaching their full potential. I know there are people who are grateful for me and what I do. I am so incredibly proud of all of them. But underneath all of that is a heartbroken human being still hopeful for a break in life. Someone I know very well calls me nearly everyday and he ALWAYS asks how I am doing. I always say I'm good- what else can I say? "Actually, I am not great. I sad, lonely, defeated, and tired of life. I really don't want to smile and pretend like everything is ok anymore." But nope. Can't say that. Not the person not the place. So I just keep lying to myself and really to others. When I do quiet down when my spirit of hope is drained people do notice. I get a phone call asking if I am ok or what's wrong. Even when I express what's wrong no one hears me. Because to hear me means they'd have to look in the mirror to change what they are doing. So, for now it will be sleepless nights, nightmares and fighting both consciously and unconsciously. It will never be enough. It's just life. Never enough.