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Standing in the Pain

I wonder what my life would be like had I done things differently- had I been a different person. Would my life be better if I were more patient in my circumstances? Am I the reason I find continued pain or is the pain the reason I am continuing to find who I am? These are questions I don't think I will ever have the answer to, but yet and still I play them round and round in my head. I see people in my life on social media posts getting promotions to the big jobs we both went to school for- we both trained for- He got the prize while I am still trying to find my way. I have the talent, the work ethic, the brains, but I don't have that thing- to get where everyone else is. I don't know what "the thing" is. Some people in my life and career who have been critics of mine have told me I was good and very promising, but I wasn't a "team" leader. I came off as not being about the other people and only being about myself because I used words like "I" when they asked what I would do to fix a situation. Maybe I have had it all wrong all along- that you are not supposed to take responsibility for your own actions. You see growing up the adults in my life did not, for the most part, take responsibility for their actions. They did not take into account how their actions or lack thereof impacted other people- including me. For that reason, I learned early on to be responsible for my actions- to use words like "I" instead of "you". But I suppose this is not the way the world works. In the meantime, I pray, read, and study myself, Jesus, and others. I study how people get from A-B-C and so on and look for ways to improve myself. I have been so intent on studying to be what others want me to be that I don't even know who I want to be. What I do know is I am really tired of being in the same cycle. Whatever God is doing in my life, I am listening. I am waiting. I am standing in the pain to get to what it is you have been trying to show me all these years. As for the world and my critics, I know you are all still out there. That's ok. I'm going to walk past you now. I still hear you, but God is louder.

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