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She Thought Out Loud

All I can hear are the things I have been told I am NOT. I have been chasing them my entire life- but what if all the things I am not are not for me? What if this is exactly how I am meant to be? I sit here and wonder why I have put so much emphasis on the people in my life who have made a point to let me know more often what I didn't have versus what I did have? I guess it is human nature- look at Eve- she had everything and yet she still was deceived by the serpent because of what she thought she didn't have. Deception is a wicked mind trick starting with our eyes. Our eyes can see things but our brains don't comprehend in totality the meaning or full picture. We can only see a brief snippet, which is why I think when we are being judged by our fellow humans we get it wrong a lot. I wrote a short post yesterday about pain- particularly if I am the reason the pain continues or if the continuing pain is the way to find who I am. I still don't know the answer to the question, but either way, I think the only way to let go of who I think I am supposed to be is to stand right in the middle of this pain. I hear all the voices in my head and I think about all the time I have spent attempting to be who they wanted me to be. The tears and sleepless nights tearing myself apart and piecing myself back together differently to be who they wanted. But, it still was never good enough. I still wasn't seen- just my shortcomings. How do you actually love yourself when the only way anyone has ever loved you is

for what you do instead of who you are? If I ever figure it out I will write it down. Until then, I'm standing in the pain learning to love myself for who I am not what I do.

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