You know when you want to say something, but you can't say it out loud? It's not that you're scared to say it, it's kind of like you don't know what to say but your heart says, "say something." Maybe that's just me, but I feel that way a lot. I think it's all the emotions of pain piling up and ready to be let out. If you're like me you don't say anything, you just keep going. You might become a little quiet, maybe distant, maybe even walk away from people and relationships because if you said what you needed to say- well I don't know. I suppose this is the fear of people. People. I love people but at the same time I am so afraid of people. This finally hit me yesterday as we approached the park- there were a lot of people at the park. I wanted to do everything but go to that park. I even said to my husband let's keep walking, but we couldn't because Genesis had waited all day to go to the park. Now, depending on the context in which you know me, this may be a total shocker to you. You may think of me as a total extrovert and yes, while I have trained myself to stand up in front of large crowds of people and give presentations, that is completely different then "people". That is a stage presence. That is a piece of me who I created to survive. Behind all those motivational speeches and smiles there is a person, who battles a deep seeded sadness. A girl who then became a woman who has never felt she was seen or good enough. I was in the background as a ornament or as a means to the next step. I was the fixer or the peacekeeper- never wanting anyone to feel the same pain I felt. I was a rule follower who thought that doing it the right way would get me to the happy ending. But "happiness" never came. What came was more people, more hurt, some good memories, but a lot of mistakes. As I sit here today and write this I am nervous about even saying anything at all because in my life, your thoughts, especially thoughts that mean anything, were meant to be kept to yourself and never to be shared in public. Number one, who cares, because the ones who are reading this anyways are the people who probably know already. Second, every step I have taken in my life- every sacrifice, has been in attempt to shield others from feeling the pain and sadness I have carried all these years. At this point in my life, God has taken from me the ways in which I used to find my self worth- which was through work and making money. Today, I am 100% reliant upon Him. Maybe this is the true test of my faith in Him. He put me in a new state and allowed the pain to become so bad that I couldn't take it anymore working where I was. So for that, I leave it all up to Him. I walked into that park yesterday. While I didn't make any friends, not my strong suite anyways- I still went to the park. I didn't turn around. So that is something I suppose. And the best part is, I now know that I am afraid of people and when I know what I am afraid of, I can practice to get better. I trained myself to one of the best at many other things, so why not this?
What are you afraid of? It may not be people like me, but whatever it is identify it and work at it WITH God. In time He will peel those layers away to get you to where He wants you. I can't say that I expect to find or get to "happiness" because honestly I think happiness is a construct of the mind to keep us chasing what we don't have. But what I am after is #joy. Joy is the ability to #trust and #hope even when things are not what we expect or even worked for. I am looking for a time when I approach a park full of people without the stage presence of Amanda Holmes on and don't think first to keep walking. The day when I can simply see people and smile knowing I don't have to do anything but go about my day. It's ok if it's not today, but I know it will be one day- because I know Jesus. Do you trust Him?
If you want to know more about what it means to trust and know Jesus you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org