Anyone ever asked you what your dreams are? When people have asked me that, I don't have an answer. I have spent much of my life never dreaming- or really thinking what I want would ever come true. In my life the opposite of what I have wanted is usually how things go. It's like a life of constant discipline. Things are often taken away from me or I lose it all. My life has been mostly survival mode- trying to make through the day then another bombs explodes. Do you know anyone who is lucky? You know, that person who good things happen to? Maybe it's an illusion because behind closed doors things are not always what they seem. In my life, it looks beautiful, but often is just another rollercoaster ride with no seat belt, trying to hang on for life. I used to think that when I made it to my thirties things would settle down. Well, I am nearly forty- things seem to be on the same track they were from the beginning of my life. Chaos, turmoil, and difficulty. I think to myself, what did I do wrong? Where have I gone wrong? Am I being punished or paying the consequences for poor decision making? I blame myself usually, retracing my decision- looking for the answers. The answers don't come. There is just a black cloud over my head. One thing have learned is on earth doing the right thing is not celebrated. It is going with other people that gets you somewhere. That is probably my biggest mistake, thinking that doing the right thing would get me somewhere. The right thing leaves you alone and in chaos. I'm not claiming to be perfect by any means- nor are all my decisions always the right one. I will say that much of my life has been damaged by my will to do what is right- for myself AND others. I am not the person who can stay and be abused at work, but I meet people who have worked under terrible conditions for years and years. I wonder what do they have that I don't? Why is it that I cannot stay anywhere where I am taken advantage of or belittled? I know this sounds like an easy decision on paper, but honestly, what do others have that I don't? I'm not sure I will ever get an answer, so for now, I keep on going even when there is no where to go.
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