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I diDn't KnOw ThEn

I have been spending some time watching old videos and looking at pictures on the Big TV screen with my kids recently since we are all home. There is a lot to be said for taking the time to look back at where you have come from. The days were so long back then but as we all know the years are so incredibly short. They are just whipping by faster and faster. What I have been reminded as I sit and watch the 30 and 60 second videos is I am way too hard on myself. When I sit back and replay my past years in my mind I replay the things I did not do or my mistakes. The things knowing what I know now that I would do differently. But if I didn't do those things would I know better to do them differently now? Probably not, but that's the fallacy of the mind, the lies we tell ourselves. I see a mother who sat in front of her baby girls and watched intently as they sang into the microphone for the 17th time, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I see hundreds of pictures of all the places we went, the in between places that I can remember coming home from work exhausted but changed clothes and jammed out the door to the next activity. I see a mother who cooked endless meals, cookies, cakes, and everyone's specific something. I see a mother who despite feeling sadness and broken for much of her life smiled in front of the camera and danced with her children. I may not have been perfect and as patient as I would have like to have been compared to the way I can handle our third daughter, but I didn't know then what I know now. I also didn't know God. I remember being lost in this world thinking it was people who could fill the void and teach me the way to go. Boy was I wrong. No wonder I was so lost. Don't get me wrong, I'm not all fixy fixy now- I still get lost and discouraged- pretty much every day- BUT when those feeling come back instead of feeling like I have no one to talk to, I talk to God. I don't always like what He has to tell me- most of the time He is telling me to get my head out of my rear end and look up child. Nonetheless, I can now say I am not alone and once again He taught me despite what all those pretty posts say on social to not look back at your past, I have taken a look back via those videos and pictures and reminded myself I didn't get it all wrong. I got a lot right. So, I'm going to keep taking videos and pictures, so the next time I am in the pit of pain and sorrow I can look back on what was true reality, not the lies and half truth my mind tells me. Go look at some old photos today, watch some videos, remind yourself that you did A LOT right. And then go do MORE RIGHT! Your time is still now. See you on the other side of the camera. #saycheese #take1


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